Skip to main content

I'm not gay

"I'm not gay."  How many times did I say this to myself and to other people?  How many times did I wish it was true?  I don't know, but I can think of several examples.  In the diary that I kept as a Mormon missionary, one day I wrote about the son of a less active member that we went to visit.  These are my exact words "We met her son, who's 18 and HE LIKES MATH! I instantly fell in love with him when he told me that (now don't take that the wrong way--I'm a missionary and I'm not gay)."

Another occasion that sticks out in my mind involves my father-in-law.  When I was trying to overcome my addiction to pornography, I signed up for a net nanny service called Covenant Eyes, which I would suggest to anyone looking to overcome a porn addiction.  It would alert him any time that I looked at porn on my computer.  Well, one time I did look and the stuff I looked at was (obviously) gay porn.  I felt the need to email him and reassure him.  These were my exact words "I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not gay myself, I just find a variety of images intriguing and that's what happened to come up at the moment."  This one, of course, was a complete lie.  It wasn't "what just happened to come up", it was what I was looking for.  And that's the only kind of stuff I ever looked for.

Finally, on many occasions, I would say that I would never marry a man.  It would happen when people were discussing the topic of sexism.  I said that in some cases sexism is good.  Then, as an example, I would say "I will never marry a man.  That's sexist."  (Yes, it actually is discrimination, but not in the way the word is usually meant.)  Anyway, that ended up being false.  I haven't yet, simply because the law won't allow it, but I will one day marry a man.

What intrigues me is the level to which I was dishonest about myself.  I lied to myself and I lied to other people.  There are times when I even had myself convinced that I wasn't really gay.  But now I know I've been gay my whole life and I'm okay with that.  In fact, I'm proud of that.

But it makes me wonder.  What else am I being dishonest about?  The thing that triggered this post was a thread on my Facebook wall.  I posted a link to Fab.com and asked the question "Should I be more concerned about my appearance?"  And the truth is that I am concerned about my appearance.  I will say things like "I don't care how I look" and "Clothing is stupid anyway".  But the truth is that I want to look nice.  When I look in the mirror, I want to see a sexy man staring back at me (which I do see, when Conrad's in the bathroom with me :).  I want to wear cute clothes.  I want to have a sexy haircut.  I want to be attractive.  But I lie to myself and say it's not important.  I wear baggy t-shirts and gym shorts that say I don't care how I look.

What else am I lying about?  What else have I deceived even myself about?  How shall I go about detecting these lies and being more authentic?  How should I make myself more me?  Most importantly, what can I do to help people who come behind me (future generations, friends, family) to be able to show off their true selves rather than lie as I have done?  What can I do to engender an atmosphere more conducive to the authenticity of others?

Popular posts from this blog

What's a gainer?

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest reading my previous post before reading this one.  It's sort of an introduction and gives the motivation.  Also, by way of disclosure, this post is not sexually explicit but it does touch on the topic of sexuality and how that relates to the subject at hand.

So, what is a gainer?  I'll relate, as best I can, the experiences I have gone through myself to help answer the question.  I remember when I was a young boy--perhaps around 6 or 7--I would have various fantasies.  Not sexual fantasies, just daydreaming about hypothetical situations that I thought were interesting or entertaining.  I had many different fantasies.  Sometimes I would fantasize about becoming very muscular, sometimes about becoming very fat.  
These fantasies varied in degree of magnitude and the subject of the fantasy.  Sometimes I myself would change weight--I would become muscular or fat.  Other times, I would do something to make other people fat or musc…

The scientific method vs the religious method

I find it interesting when people cite the fact that science keeps changing as a reason to disbelieve it and to believe instead in the "eternal" doctrines taught by some church or other.  Let's examine why science keeps changing.  Here's the scientific method.

Develop a hypothesis (this means "have a belief").Design an experiment to test the hypothesis.Conduct the experiment.Determine whether the hypothesis is believable based on the results of the experiment. This is why science keeps changing--because people notice flaws in it and correct them.  People once thought the solar system was geocentric, but now know that it's heliocentric.  How did this happen?  By using the scientific method.  Scientists are willing to admit that they're wrong.  They're willing to give up a bad idea when they see evidence that it makes no sense.  Contrast this with the religious method (simplified version). Have a belief.Look for evidence to support that belief.Ignor…

Cancel the gym

After I went to the gym this morning, I pulled in to the McDonald's drive through.  While waiting for my food, I played out in my mind a possible conversation I might have with someone concerning just this.  In fact, I have had many real conversations of similar nature.
"How was your morning?"
"It was good.  I went to the gym.  Then I grabbed a late breakfast at McDonald's on my way to work."
"Won't that cancel out?"
"Cancel what?"
"Going to McDonald's after the gym.  Won't that undo all the work you just did?"

I understand the humor.  I laugh about it.  It's funny.  And I think humor is an important thing, and that we should all laugh a little bit more and be offended a little bit less.  And so I write this not up-in-arms, but in the attempts of perhaps reaching some of those who literally believe this line of reasoning.

To the person who asserts that eating "cancels out" going to the gym, I ask just this…