Skip to main content

Fake it til you make it

I saw this statement a few days ago and I've been wondering how I feel about it.  I don't think it's clear--not to me, anyway.  Perhaps it's that the concept of a "fake friend" is far too ambiguous.  Even still, the thought of having no friends at all is very intimidating to me.  Even when I was in grade school and got bullied on a regular basis, I still had friends.  There were some fellow classmates who were kind to me.  And that really helped me.  It was fun being able to walk down the street to their house and play with them.  All throughout my life, and even now, friends are very important.

So, what is it about this statement that I don't like?  Well, for one, I think it's kind of controlling and maybe even manipulative.  In a sense, it's putting conditions on how someone else must act in order to be considered a friend.  And sure, I do have conditions on what kind of behavior I expect from people in order to consider them friends.  But I'm just not sure exactly what those expectations should be, and I don't know if "fakeness", as commonly defined, is one thing which should be prohibited.

So, when I hear the word "fake" in this context, what does it mean to me?  A "fake friend" would be someone who pretends to like me--perhaps in order to get something from me such as a favor, money, or some possession--but who really doesn't like me.  I don't see an immediate reason why this should be off-putting.  Yes, I understand the betrayal and the loss of trust if such a friend were discovered.  However, if someone is kind to me, I appreciate that behavior, whether it is genuine or merely a façade in order to take advantage of me.  I enjoy being treated well.  I like people being nice to me and doing nice things for me.  I like compliments.  I like hanging out with people and doing things that we both find fun and interesting.  If the other person isn't enjoying the hanging out as much as I am, I do feel bad for em, but I am grateful that ey is willing to hang out with me and make me feel good.

Perhaps a friend is polite to my face but gossips about me behind my back.  Perhaps ey makes up false rumors about me in order to malign my character.  This would indeed be hurtful.  It would indeed be devastating for me to discover.  I would feel betrayed.  I would be hurt.  I would probably be angry and upset.  But I know that other people who are true friends will not believe these false rumors without verifying them.  That is, if Bob tells Sam something about me which casts me in a negative light and Sam is a true friend, I would expect Sam to come to me and ask about it, or use some other means to ascertain the truth of the matter.  Thus, the effect of Bob's betrayal is lessened by other friends who are sincere.

But I think that one of the biggest reasons why this sentence does not sit well with me is the apparent hypocrisy.  To me, friendship entails loyalty.  If I were to do something which hurt a friend, I would hope that friend would give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that the hurt was unintentional.  Indeed, I often do hurt friends and it is almost always unintentional.  So, if a friend of mine does something which I feel is hurtful, I feel that I owe em the benefit of the doubt and that I should remain friends with em regardless of this hurtful action.  That is, if I feel that a friend has done something which would be classified as "fake", I feel that I owe it to em to find out if this was malicious or inadvertent.  Perhaps Bob said something to Sam which Sam misinterpreted.  It wasn't gossip at all, it was simply misconstrued.  I owe it to Bob to start off with the assumption that no harm was intended.  In other words, I think that someone who has the mentality of "If you're a 'fake friend', then you're no friend of mine." is emself a fake friend.

I don't want to be a fake friend.  I don't mean to be a fake friend.  Yes, sometimes I do talk about my friends when they're not around, and sometimes the things I say are not all positive.  But I don't mean to gossip.  I don't mean to malign anyone's character by what I say.  I might be pointing out an idiosyncrasy which I think is humorous.  This could easily be construed as gossip, and it could certainly be hurtful if it reached the ears of the person being discussed through the wrong channel.  However, I did not mean it to be hurtful, I meant it to be endearing.  I'm sure I do things on a regular basis which could possibly be construed as me being a "fake friend".  But I really don't mean to be.  I mean to be sincere in all of my relationships.  I mean to be honest and upfront.  I mean to avoid gossip.  I mean well.

Popular posts from this blog

What's a gainer?

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest reading my previous post before reading this one.  It's sort of an introduction and gives the motivation.  Also, by way of disclosure, this post is not sexually explicit but it does touch on the topic of sexuality and how that relates to the subject at hand.

So, what is a gainer?  I'll relate, as best I can, the experiences I have gone through myself to help answer the question.  I remember when I was a young boy--perhaps around 6 or 7--I would have various fantasies.  Not sexual fantasies, just daydreaming about hypothetical situations that I thought were interesting or entertaining.  I had many different fantasies.  Sometimes I would fantasize about becoming very muscular, sometimes about becoming very fat.  
These fantasies varied in degree of magnitude and the subject of the fantasy.  Sometimes I myself would change weight--I would become muscular or fat.  Other times, I would do something to make other people fat or musc…

Karing about others

Mostly because I have been thinking about her lately, I feel compelled to write about someone who was very dear to me.  Many people who have met me in the last several years may not be aware of the fact that I was married to a woman for 3 years. I understand there can be lots of confusion whenever I mention it, and misunderstandings or misconceptions might occur. So I would like to take this opportunity to discuss my feelings about her.

Shortly after I came out, I attended a party for ex-Mormon gay people. Many of them had been married (to someone of the opposite sex), as I had. Most of those marriages had ended in divorce. Sometimes the divorce was very ugly, other times it was rather pleasant and they remained friends throughout the process. I assume it is because of the ugly divorce scenarios that this statement was made to me. Upon revealing that I had previously been married to a woman and that the marriage had ended in her death, a man said to me that it was good that it had end…

The scientific method vs the religious method

I find it interesting when people cite the fact that science keeps changing as a reason to disbelieve it and to believe instead in the "eternal" doctrines taught by some church or other.  Let's examine why science keeps changing.  Here's the scientific method.

Develop a hypothesis (this means "have a belief").Design an experiment to test the hypothesis.Conduct the experiment.Determine whether the hypothesis is believable based on the results of the experiment. This is why science keeps changing--because people notice flaws in it and correct them.  People once thought the solar system was geocentric, but now know that it's heliocentric.  How did this happen?  By using the scientific method.  Scientists are willing to admit that they're wrong.  They're willing to give up a bad idea when they see evidence that it makes no sense.  Contrast this with the religious method (simplified version). Have a belief.Look for evidence to support that belief.Ignor…