I just called both of my Senators' DC offices and left a message asking them to vote no on the confirmation of Judge Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. I have also emailed both of them with the same message. I am sure my messages will ultimately make no difference in their vote on the matter. However, it is with some small degree of hope that if enough people call with a similar message they might change their minds. However, ultimately it is so that I can in good conscience say that I have made a concerted effort to make my voice heard that I do not believe Brett Kavanaugh is fit to sit on the High Court.
But the real issue that I would like to blog about is the matter of empathy. The ability to put oneself in another's position has been something I have always heard my whole life as a good thing. I often heard the adage that you shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. It seems to me that some people are better at feeling empathy and others, while they may pay lip service to it, are not very capable of doing so. I would like to give two examples which I feel are related in this way.
I am gay. I have been attracted to men as long as I can remember. This shouldn't surprise any of my readers by this point, since I came out of the closet about 7 years ago. But one thing I was always told growing up is that being gay is a lifestyle choice, and an evil one at that. I was told that being attracted to people of the same sex was simply a temptation of the devil and that yielding to those enticings amounted to sin. I believed that. I internalized the message. What really confused me (especially in the months preceding my coming out, when I had discussions with people who may or may not have guessed I was gay) were all of the people who seemed to be incapable of understanding what it is like to be gay.
I believe there are a few different types of people in this regard. First, there are the people who are gay. These people obviously know what it's like to be gay. They may or may not fully understand their feelings (as I didn't when I was a teenager), and they may or may not be made uncomfortable by feeling or admitting their feelings. But at least in some level, they know what it is like. There are those who are bisexual. I believe it is many of these people (and some of the gay ones) who believe most strongly that being gay is a choice. The reason I believe this is that a bisexual person will feel sexual attraction to men and to women. It would be no stretch of the imagination to conclude that everyone was this way--that everyone had feelings for men and women. If that were the case, then certainly it would be a "choice" in the sense that anyone could find someone of the opposite sex or someone of the same sex, and which they found was simply their own choice.
Then there are people who, I believe, truly cannot fathom what it is like to be gay. They're probably confused that anyone would even want to be. I know I've heard many men talk about all their feelings for women (in varying degrees of detail), and those same men express how they couldn't fathom finding another man attractive or even conceive of the idea of having sex with a man (indeed, not even how one would go about doing such an act).
Then there are people (whether straight or bi) who may not understand exactly how it is to be gay but they are capable of empathy--they believe gay people who say that they were "born this way." They don't need to experience it firsthand to know that their family members and friends are being sincere when they relate their own experience. These are what we might call "allies." They stand by us as we are pushing for equality. They believe us. They have made an effort to put themselves in our shoes and walk around in them. They feel our pain.
So let me give the other example of this phenomenon, which will tie back into my original point about Judge Kavanaugh. That is the matter of sexual assault. As I write this, I can think of three women who have confided in me that they have been the victim of sexual assault. And that's only the ones I am thinking of right now--who have told me privately. That doesn't include all the women (and men) that I know who have been a victim who have not confided in me, the ones who have quietly suffered or who have chosen others to confide in. I cannot claim that I have ever been raped. There may have been times when some physical attention was given me which was not wanted, but to a much lesser degree--perhaps an unwanted kiss, for example.
I don't know what it's like to be raped because I have never been raped. But I don't need to be raped in order to listen to a victim of rape and hear them express how it felt, to understand their situation. I can listen to them and believe them.
Just as with being gay, there are different types of people when reacting to someone who asserts having been the victim of sexual assault. There are those who have experienced it, and can relate. There are those who have not experienced it and cannot relate. I assume some people just can't understand how an otherwise nice-seeming man could be capable of forcing himself sexually on a woman. Perhaps it is easier to believe that anyone who does such things is visibly "sleazy"--that it would be obvious to anyone who saw him that he's a rapist.
In the case of Brett Kavanaugh, there are people who believe him when he says that while Dr Ford may have been assaulted by someone at some point in her past, he knows for sure he was not the perpetrator of the act she described. I suppose these people are the kind who will admit rape happens, but willfully turn a blind eye when any particular person is accused of having done it (or, at least, any person with whom they share a world view).
At any rate, it seems to me that just as in the case with homosexuality, there are a large number of people who are seemingly incapable of feeling empathy for victims of sexual assault. I can relate to the reluctance victims feel to share their stories because it is similar to the reluctance a gay person feels to come out of the closet. Will people believe me? Will they judge me for it? Will I be looked down on? Does this make me a sinner? Will my friends and family still like me after they know?
It is sad that people who declare with words that they value empathy are so incapable of feeling or expressing it. Instead of walking a mile in the other person's shoes first, they feel the need to instantly judge them. "She was drinking, she deserved it." "She wore revealing clothing, she invited it." "She's a whore." etc. I've heard all of that in regards to Dr Ford (and worse), as well as other people who have publicly accused someone of sexual assault.
The need to turn it around and blame the victim rather than the perpetrator is such a cruel thing. To blame a gay man for just being gay, to blame a woman for being raped. It seems wholly unfeeling and dismissive.
Back to the topic of Brett Kavanaugh, I see so many people defending him. I admit there is not much evidence to go on in this case, and I would feel uncomfortable convicting him if I were a juror and he were on trial. But I do know I have seen many examples of men who put on a good show--they do well in their jobs or at school, they have friends, they're charismatic and fun to be around--and then have what you might call a darker side. I've seen firsthand a man be friendly and fun one day and very intimidating and violent another. I have seen enough men like Brett Kavanaugh to give me pause in regarding his character. With the accusations surrounding him, the entry in his high school yearbook, and the calendars that he himself presented in his own defense, I would not hire him for any job. I would not want my name to be associated with his. I would not vouch for him. I certainly would not put him on the highest court in the land.
It may very well be that he is confirmed to the Supreme Court tomorrow. It will be a sad day for the history of our country if he does. One more testament against us, showing that we are not a perfect nation--rather that we are far from it.
But the real issue that I would like to blog about is the matter of empathy. The ability to put oneself in another's position has been something I have always heard my whole life as a good thing. I often heard the adage that you shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes. It seems to me that some people are better at feeling empathy and others, while they may pay lip service to it, are not very capable of doing so. I would like to give two examples which I feel are related in this way.
I am gay. I have been attracted to men as long as I can remember. This shouldn't surprise any of my readers by this point, since I came out of the closet about 7 years ago. But one thing I was always told growing up is that being gay is a lifestyle choice, and an evil one at that. I was told that being attracted to people of the same sex was simply a temptation of the devil and that yielding to those enticings amounted to sin. I believed that. I internalized the message. What really confused me (especially in the months preceding my coming out, when I had discussions with people who may or may not have guessed I was gay) were all of the people who seemed to be incapable of understanding what it is like to be gay.
I believe there are a few different types of people in this regard. First, there are the people who are gay. These people obviously know what it's like to be gay. They may or may not fully understand their feelings (as I didn't when I was a teenager), and they may or may not be made uncomfortable by feeling or admitting their feelings. But at least in some level, they know what it is like. There are those who are bisexual. I believe it is many of these people (and some of the gay ones) who believe most strongly that being gay is a choice. The reason I believe this is that a bisexual person will feel sexual attraction to men and to women. It would be no stretch of the imagination to conclude that everyone was this way--that everyone had feelings for men and women. If that were the case, then certainly it would be a "choice" in the sense that anyone could find someone of the opposite sex or someone of the same sex, and which they found was simply their own choice.
Then there are people who, I believe, truly cannot fathom what it is like to be gay. They're probably confused that anyone would even want to be. I know I've heard many men talk about all their feelings for women (in varying degrees of detail), and those same men express how they couldn't fathom finding another man attractive or even conceive of the idea of having sex with a man (indeed, not even how one would go about doing such an act).
Then there are people (whether straight or bi) who may not understand exactly how it is to be gay but they are capable of empathy--they believe gay people who say that they were "born this way." They don't need to experience it firsthand to know that their family members and friends are being sincere when they relate their own experience. These are what we might call "allies." They stand by us as we are pushing for equality. They believe us. They have made an effort to put themselves in our shoes and walk around in them. They feel our pain.
So let me give the other example of this phenomenon, which will tie back into my original point about Judge Kavanaugh. That is the matter of sexual assault. As I write this, I can think of three women who have confided in me that they have been the victim of sexual assault. And that's only the ones I am thinking of right now--who have told me privately. That doesn't include all the women (and men) that I know who have been a victim who have not confided in me, the ones who have quietly suffered or who have chosen others to confide in. I cannot claim that I have ever been raped. There may have been times when some physical attention was given me which was not wanted, but to a much lesser degree--perhaps an unwanted kiss, for example.
I don't know what it's like to be raped because I have never been raped. But I don't need to be raped in order to listen to a victim of rape and hear them express how it felt, to understand their situation. I can listen to them and believe them.
Just as with being gay, there are different types of people when reacting to someone who asserts having been the victim of sexual assault. There are those who have experienced it, and can relate. There are those who have not experienced it and cannot relate. I assume some people just can't understand how an otherwise nice-seeming man could be capable of forcing himself sexually on a woman. Perhaps it is easier to believe that anyone who does such things is visibly "sleazy"--that it would be obvious to anyone who saw him that he's a rapist.
In the case of Brett Kavanaugh, there are people who believe him when he says that while Dr Ford may have been assaulted by someone at some point in her past, he knows for sure he was not the perpetrator of the act she described. I suppose these people are the kind who will admit rape happens, but willfully turn a blind eye when any particular person is accused of having done it (or, at least, any person with whom they share a world view).
At any rate, it seems to me that just as in the case with homosexuality, there are a large number of people who are seemingly incapable of feeling empathy for victims of sexual assault. I can relate to the reluctance victims feel to share their stories because it is similar to the reluctance a gay person feels to come out of the closet. Will people believe me? Will they judge me for it? Will I be looked down on? Does this make me a sinner? Will my friends and family still like me after they know?
It is sad that people who declare with words that they value empathy are so incapable of feeling or expressing it. Instead of walking a mile in the other person's shoes first, they feel the need to instantly judge them. "She was drinking, she deserved it." "She wore revealing clothing, she invited it." "She's a whore." etc. I've heard all of that in regards to Dr Ford (and worse), as well as other people who have publicly accused someone of sexual assault.
The need to turn it around and blame the victim rather than the perpetrator is such a cruel thing. To blame a gay man for just being gay, to blame a woman for being raped. It seems wholly unfeeling and dismissive.
Back to the topic of Brett Kavanaugh, I see so many people defending him. I admit there is not much evidence to go on in this case, and I would feel uncomfortable convicting him if I were a juror and he were on trial. But I do know I have seen many examples of men who put on a good show--they do well in their jobs or at school, they have friends, they're charismatic and fun to be around--and then have what you might call a darker side. I've seen firsthand a man be friendly and fun one day and very intimidating and violent another. I have seen enough men like Brett Kavanaugh to give me pause in regarding his character. With the accusations surrounding him, the entry in his high school yearbook, and the calendars that he himself presented in his own defense, I would not hire him for any job. I would not want my name to be associated with his. I would not vouch for him. I certainly would not put him on the highest court in the land.
It may very well be that he is confirmed to the Supreme Court tomorrow. It will be a sad day for the history of our country if he does. One more testament against us, showing that we are not a perfect nation--rather that we are far from it.
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