Grief is good

It's ok to not be ok.  It's okay to be sad, upset, angry, depressed, and other emotions that are often considered negative.  It is not possible for us to be happy and smiling all the time.  That isn't how we are meant to be as biological beings.  Sad things happen to us.

A very sad thing happened to me a week ago.  A person that I loved passed away.  Death is not new to me.  I have lost many loved ones.  Three of my four grandparents have passed away, the first one when I was a young teenager.  It hurts.  It doesn't get easier and it's not necessarily supposed to.  We may develop more healthy coping mechanisms as we get older but that doesn't mean the pain isn't there.  It hurts.

Ed made me smile, and he's no longer here to do that.  We shared so many pleasant memories together and there won't be any more of those.  I'll have to make more memories with other people or relive the memories that I have from the time he and I spent together.

Some of the things Ed did annoyed me or frustrated me.  I miss being annoyed by those things.  I miss being inconvenienced or angered by things he would do that I didn't like.  He's no longer here to do those things, and I wish he were.  It's funny that it's not just the pleasant things we miss, but the unpleasant things too.

The feelings that are experienced while grieving a loved one are powerful and can be unexpected and illogical.  I feel regret.  I wonder how things would have been different if only I had done something else instead of what I did.  I wonder if perhaps I could have been better to him--nicer, more forgiving, more expressive and grateful.  This is part of the grieving process.  I am glad that the last time I spoke with him--the night before he passed, as I was telling him goodnight--it was a pleasant conversation.  The last conversation we had was a friendly one.  Sometimes people need to cope with the knowledge that the last time they spoke with someone before they died was an argument.  I'm sure that is difficult to do.

I had a dream about him this morning.  I dreamed we were talking to each other and hugging and then I realized that he was dead and I told him "I miss you."  I also dreamed of Karen after she died.  Our brains are trying to process the information.  It hurts.  It's sad when you don't get to properly say goodbye.  It's sad when you are reminded that you can't spend more time with someone that you so enjoyed being around.

In the name of being professional, I go about my day with a smile on my face even when it hurts inside.  I can't say whether that is right of me to do or not, but I feel like it is what is expected of me.  I know there are people I can share my feelings with, and that is sufficient.  I often hold my feelings in because it's simpler that way.  But I am grateful for the people who are available to talk to when I need it.

I am not ok, and that's ok.  I know I will heal with time but now is not that time.  I am sad.  I hurt.  I wish things could be different than they are now.  I accept that is not possible.  But I don't like it.

It has helped me take a moment to think about the things which are important in life and focus more on those things.