Quite frankly, I spent way too much time and energy worrying about that question--"Is being homosexual a choice?". But, this does comprise a large portion of the debate of the morality of homosexual behavior. Those who defend the "traditional family" argue that being gay is a choice and therefore those who are gay should simply choose to be straight instead. Those who are gay, or support gay rights movements, argue that being gay is not a choice and therefore we can't just simply become straight or just start liking people of the opposite sex. Perhaps one issue that might complicate the matter is bisexual people since they might at one point identify as straight and later as gay, or vice versa.
So, I spent a good portion of my "mormon life" convincing myself that the feelings I had for other men were merely a temptation and that I wasn't technically "gay" unless I yielded to those temptations, since being gay was a choice. And, around the time I came to terms with my own homosexuality, I spent a great portion of my time trying to prove that my sexual orientation actually isn't a choice, that I was "born this way" and all of the other arguments given. For the record, I do still believe that I was born gay just as much as any straight person was born straight. But I don't think it matters anymore.
The question I have to ask is, if two people love each other, what business is it of anyone else's what type of activities they engage in together? Why does it matter to Christian fundamentalists whether two people of the same sex sleep together in the same bed? When I was dating Karen, I don't recall anyone having a debate over whether I was genuinely attracted to her due to biological reasons or whether I simply chose to be attracted to her. I don't recall having been made to feel that I needed to prove that I was incapable of controlling my feelings for her. (In fact, anyone that saw us together during any point of our pre-marriage courtship would be able to testify very confidently that I was most decidedly in control of my feelings for her and at no point in time let them get the best of me.) So, why is it that gay people are made to feel that way? Why does it matter whether these feelings are inborn? Why does it matter whether they are mutable? Why does it matter whether it's a choice?
All the time gay people choose to be in straight relationships--I did so myself. And yet, they are never criticized for this (except for recently, I suppose I should mention that if it is a person who is out and still plans to marry heterosexually then they are likely to be criticized by some in the gay community) because this is believed to be the "right" thing to do. And yet, the argument of "it's a choice" is what is used to oppose gay relationships. If loving someone "by choice" is bad, then why is it encouraged in the case where that love is forced (or, at best, simply non-sexual) and discouraged in the case where it is genuine? This is a double standard.
So, again, I say that if two people are in love they should be allowed to marry. As far as I am aware, the question of whether the two members of a couple chose to be in love or were in love due to biological factors out of their control was never a criterion to determine their eligibility to marry each other, so why has it become so now? I love Conrad dearly. Did I choose to fall in love with him or was I just born predisposed to have fallen in love with him? My answer is that it doesn't matter in the slightest. The point is that I love him and he loves me.
Of all of my siblings and Karen's (and, just counting the ones that have been married, that's 16), I have never questioned anyone's choice in spouse. I did have a strong personality clash with my sister's husband (they have since divorced, so I don't feel so bad about that now) but I never questioned her right to marry him. I never asked any of these people whether they loved this person that they chose to spend the remainder of their life with nor, more particularly, whether that love was genuine due to their biological nature or superficial due to some immoral choice they had made. So, I have come to the conclusion that asking the same question to someone who decides to enter a same-sex marriage is equally inappropriate and irrelevant.
So, I spent a good portion of my "mormon life" convincing myself that the feelings I had for other men were merely a temptation and that I wasn't technically "gay" unless I yielded to those temptations, since being gay was a choice. And, around the time I came to terms with my own homosexuality, I spent a great portion of my time trying to prove that my sexual orientation actually isn't a choice, that I was "born this way" and all of the other arguments given. For the record, I do still believe that I was born gay just as much as any straight person was born straight. But I don't think it matters anymore.
The question I have to ask is, if two people love each other, what business is it of anyone else's what type of activities they engage in together? Why does it matter to Christian fundamentalists whether two people of the same sex sleep together in the same bed? When I was dating Karen, I don't recall anyone having a debate over whether I was genuinely attracted to her due to biological reasons or whether I simply chose to be attracted to her. I don't recall having been made to feel that I needed to prove that I was incapable of controlling my feelings for her. (In fact, anyone that saw us together during any point of our pre-marriage courtship would be able to testify very confidently that I was most decidedly in control of my feelings for her and at no point in time let them get the best of me.) So, why is it that gay people are made to feel that way? Why does it matter whether these feelings are inborn? Why does it matter whether they are mutable? Why does it matter whether it's a choice?
All the time gay people choose to be in straight relationships--I did so myself. And yet, they are never criticized for this (except for recently, I suppose I should mention that if it is a person who is out and still plans to marry heterosexually then they are likely to be criticized by some in the gay community) because this is believed to be the "right" thing to do. And yet, the argument of "it's a choice" is what is used to oppose gay relationships. If loving someone "by choice" is bad, then why is it encouraged in the case where that love is forced (or, at best, simply non-sexual) and discouraged in the case where it is genuine? This is a double standard.
So, again, I say that if two people are in love they should be allowed to marry. As far as I am aware, the question of whether the two members of a couple chose to be in love or were in love due to biological factors out of their control was never a criterion to determine their eligibility to marry each other, so why has it become so now? I love Conrad dearly. Did I choose to fall in love with him or was I just born predisposed to have fallen in love with him? My answer is that it doesn't matter in the slightest. The point is that I love him and he loves me.
Of all of my siblings and Karen's (and, just counting the ones that have been married, that's 16), I have never questioned anyone's choice in spouse. I did have a strong personality clash with my sister's husband (they have since divorced, so I don't feel so bad about that now) but I never questioned her right to marry him. I never asked any of these people whether they loved this person that they chose to spend the remainder of their life with nor, more particularly, whether that love was genuine due to their biological nature or superficial due to some immoral choice they had made. So, I have come to the conclusion that asking the same question to someone who decides to enter a same-sex marriage is equally inappropriate and irrelevant.
Gay individuals who are "out" and still plan to marry heterosexually, that is to live as a stright person are infact questioned and at times mocked by both sides. Gays see them as sellouts and many heterosexuals see them as kidding themselves and question the heterosexual who intends to marry them as crazy. As a bisexual myself I have the choice to live as I want (just like everyone) the difference is I am attracted to both genders. If you were to marry a women would you not still long for male companionship? I am a heterosexually married bisexual male and I still frequently long for male companionship. Either way I've made my choice. We will probably never know why people are GLB or straight. We still have agency to choose how we live. Sadly, there is no easy road for those of us that aren't completely straight.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing. I find your blog interesting.
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