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Conrad in Tennessee

So, I just spent this last week with my sweetheart again. It was just as amazing as when I went to Dallas last month. It's sad to think that I won't see him again until August, but at least I know that we won't ever live in different cities ever again after that. :D

A while back I wrote about what falling in love was like. I just wanted to give an update on that. I will speak for Conrad as well, whether that's fair of me or not, since I believe he feels the same way. Anyway, I am past the stage of "puppy love"--the mindless euphoria that accompanied having just fallen in love with such a wonderful person. I think now it's more of a mellow and profound feeling, rather than the giddy schoolgirl feeling. I still get butterflies when I think about him and I still get all tingly whenever I cuddle with him, but it's just a little bit more--oh, what's the right word--relaxed? maybe.

Conrad came here this week for my birthday. We both decided that seeing the other person was the best birthday present either one of us has ever had, and we're glad that we'll be together for every birthday for the remainder of our lives. When I was waiting for the time to come for me to go out to visit him back in May, I could hardly wait. It was virtually painful to be away from him and to wait so long to be able to go see him. When I was waiting for him to come see me this time, I still had many of the same feelings, but I suppose there was more confidence or security there. I wasn't driven to the point of insanity from the wait. I was much more patient about it. I looked forward to him coming to visit and was very happy when he did arrive. How do I describe it? It was like the wait was tolerable because I knew that he loved me as much as I loved him and nothing, including having to wait for a month, could destroy that.

I felt calm, safe, and secure while he was here with me. It was still happy, it was still love, but it was slightly less unpredictable and bouncy (yes, "bouncy" is the best word I could think of to describe what it felt like before) and slightly more balanced and level-headed. It was so amazing to have him here with me--to show off to my friends here, to go to six flags with, and just to hold in my arms.

In a way, it feels like my love for him is maturing. Of course, I don't want to give the impression that I feel like our love is mature or that we even know what love is (at least, not as well as a couple that's been together for say 50 years). I know that only comes with years and years of marriage. But it gives me hope that we will have that deep understanding of love, and that we will love each other that deeply, with time. Instead of having a seed of love, we now have a baby sprout of love, which I hope will grow into a great oak.

Another analogy is carbohydrates. When you eat simple carbs (sugars), it digests quickly and enters your blood stream, rapidly increasing your blood-sugar level. Complex carbohydrates, on the other hand, are digested more slowly and gradually increase your blood sugar level over time. What I felt for him before may have been like simple carbohydrates, getting me all excited very quickly, and what I feel now is more like complex carbohydrates, giving my body the same amount of energy, just distributed more evenly over a longer period of time. Perhaps that's a good way to explain it. And I'm sure that anyone who's been in love with someone for a while knows that the way love is experienced can change over time like that.

Having him here, though, and also living so far away from him, has made me realize how much I really do want to marry him. Many people have told me that they have felt that we are moving way too fast--since we've only known each other for a few months and plan to marry in less than 2 months. And I'm sure that there are many more who have been thinking that and just haven't said anything to us. I myself have often wondered if things are moving too quickly. Are we being rash in this decision? Perhaps. But, I know that I am ready to dedicate myself to him. I dated women for many years (before my marriage to Karen, and after her passing) and I dated men for a few months. I believe that in all that dating I got a fairly good idea for what kind of companion I am looking for, and I also believe that I have found that in Conrad. He has not dated any men (aside from me), but has stated quite forcefully that he has no desire to do so. Each of us is ready to leave the field of eligibility and commit his life to the other. So, I do not believe that we are moving too fast for ourselves. Would I recommend that other people move this fast? Only if each party in the relationship felt comfortable doing so. Would I discourage someone else from moving this fast? Of course not. The pace that is right for us may or may not be right for someone else.

At any rate, being with Conrad or thinking about him still brings warmth to my heart and a smile to my face. It doesn't do so in such a twitterpated kind of way anymore, but in a more profound and meaningful way. I take courage in the thought that my love for him is taking root in my heart. And I thank my God for allowing me to have this experience--for putting Conrad in my life.

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