Statement of Values

 In 1842, Mormon founder Joseph Smith wrote a letter to editor John Wentworth of the newspaper The Chicago Democrat. In that letter, he included a list of the tenets of the Mormon faith which he called the Articles of Faith. Growing up in the LDS church, I memorized these articles as a child. Since I no longer believe in deities, I often find myself musing about what my beliefs are. The purpose of this post is to enumerate some of those beliefs. Perhaps I'll think of more and add them at a later time. But these are some of my musings on what I personally value.

1. I value the pursuit of knowledge, using the tools of critical thinking, skepticism, and empirical evidence.

I know from my time as a Mormon that one of the misconceptions about the scientific method and empirical learning is the straw man of saying that people who do not believe in gods do not believe in anything they cannot see. In fact, I recall a talk from a general authority of the church who pointed out that atomic and subatomic particles cannot be seen by the human eye but they clearly exist. However, that is not one of the tenets of the scientific method. There are many things that we cannot observe with our eyeballs for which we can gather empirical evidence. 

This is probably the most core of my beliefs because it is the foundation on which all that I accept as true is based. We are in the information age and therefore it has never been easier than it is now to find and propagate information. Along with that is the simple fact that not all information is true. Some people share information with the explicit intent to mislead, some do it unintentionally, some genuinely believe the thing even though it is demonstrably false, and so on. So it is important to be able to weed through all the information to determine what is right, what is wrong, and what is meant simply for entertainment purposes and not as statement of fact.

The question then arises of in what way is it best to determine what is right and what is wrong? If I had the answer to that, I'd be much more famous than I am. But there are a few guidelines I have learned over the years to help me make that determination. The first is the source of the information. I believe it is best to put the most trust in the people with the most expertise in the field of the matter at hand. That is to say, on the subject of marine life I would trust the words of a marine biologist over the words of a topologist, and on the subject of topology I would trust the topologist over the marine biologist. This seems like a fairly simple thing, but I feel it needs to be said because I know people who trust what someone says about (for example) the COVID vaccines because it is a medical doctor who is saying the things. But it is important to remember that there are several specializations within medicine, and what a cardiologist says about vaccines is not as meaningful as what a vaccine scientist says about them.

Another guideline is to cross-check sources. If only one source is making the claim, I would have more reason to doubt it than if multiple sources were making the same claim. Of course, the credentials of each source would be important as well. If ten tabloids agreed on something that a mainstream source contradicted, the ten tabloids would probably not be enough to convince me. 

2. It is better to be kind than to be cruel.

Depending on the definitions used, I would not assert that it is good to always be kind and never be cruel. I believe there are times when a firm hand is needed. I believe there are times when the people and circumstances around us require a cold response. But in my own life, I mean to make efforts to find excuses to be kind to other people and to overlook opportunities to be cruel to them. Generally speaking, I believe the former is better than the latter. 

One area in my life where I have been particularly conscious of this over the last few years of my life is that of persons in service positions. Cashiers at the grocery store, customer service representatives, waitstaff at restaurants, etc. I am keenly aware that many people are unkind and vulgar toward persons in these positions. I make a conscious effort to be polite, to clearly and frequently express gratitude to them for their service, and to be generous when tipping is expected. I have found that in some cases this is a welcome change to what they experience on a normal basis--and that realization breaks my heart. It is sad to think that so many people are impolite and rude because they have an unrealistic expectation of what should happen and that expectation is not met. I admit it is difficult when I do not get my way or when I feel that the service representative is not being cooperative, but there have been times when I have thanked them even in these cases, acknowledging to them out loud that I am aware that it is something over which they have no control (and therefore it would do me no good to take out my frustration on them). 

Again, this is a rule of thumb. I do not believe it to be absolute. I believe there are times when I need to stand up for someone who is being oppressed (including when that oppressed person is myself). Being kind is not an excuse to let other people use you as a doormat. 

3. People require room to grow.

This is true of everyone. I need to allow myself room to grow, and I need to allow other people that same luxury. It is not something that comes naturally to me. It is something that I need to continually make an effort to do. When I first came out of the closet 11 years ago, there was a lot of friction between myself and many people that I knew. Now, nearly all of that friction is gone. It can be difficult to move past the hard feelings and allow people to mature. 

It is easy to place people in a box and say "that's just how they are". While that may be true, and in many ways people do not change even over decades, it still is possible for people to change and I believe it is important to allow them to do so. To continue treating someone the same way long after they have changed can create unnecessary friction--it can lead to them behaving the same as they did before (because they know you expect it of them), being ashamed of how they have changed, or making them distance themselves from you in the effort to avoid the pain of the constant reminder of who they used to be.

I have found that when I listen, people will tell me who they want to be. That gives me the opportunity to be supportive to allow them to become that person, to give encouragement for them to do so, and continue to love them as they take steps in that direction. I have also found that when people are not willing to offer that support to me it causes me to resent them and possibly even resent myself.

4. Forgiveness has a place.

I do not believe that forgiveness is always best. I do not believe that someone who chooses to forgive in a certain situation is necessarily better than another person who chooses not to forgive in a similar situation. I am disappointed in what I call forgiveness culture. For example, a high-profile case of a person murdering another person, then the breaking news that the victim's mother/spouse/child/etc forgives the murderer. I think that this kind of expectation is toxic. It is completely reasonable for a person in that situation to never forgive the perpetrator for what they have done. After all, murder is one of the crimes that cannot be undone. No amount of remorse felt by the murderer is sufficient to bring the victim back to life. 

There are times when forgiveness is appropriate. There are times when it is the best path forward. That is not all the time, but those times exist. I think it is important to recognize those times and to forgive. I think this is related with the previous point about allowing people to change. Sometimes people will not change, sometimes they will. Sometimes forgiveness is not the best path forward, sometimes it is. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary to allow the other person room to grow. 

One related point I would like to make is that even in cases where forgiveness is not given, healing is still possible. It is not always necessary to forgive in order to heal from a traumatic experience. You can avoid a person who has harmed you in a significant way and still personally heal from the experience and move on. Sometimes forgiveness is part of that process, and it can in some cases be very helpful in healing. But other times it is fine to continue to hold that action against that person while moving on with your own life. Letting go of the anger, hatred, betrayal can be healing and does not require forgiveness/absolution. It only requires building your own best life moving forward without that anger being a road block in your own personal progress.

5. Perfection isn't a thing.

I believe in bettering myself. I believe in being authentic. I don't think these are contradictory. I want to be the best me I can be. But I have no delusion of achieving perfection. Perhaps in some cases, perfection is possible--such as a bowling score of 300. Many people have achieved that, and it is not possible to get a better score. But life is far more complicated than bowling. Personality, human interaction, etc, all these things are complicated and we need to allow ourselves room to be imperfect. Maybe we could have done things differently, maybe we could have said something a different way. But I have found that beating myself up about it for 20 years is not the best path forward. It's okay to make mistakes. Everyone does things that they wish they hadn't. And it will happen again in the future. Don't be so afraid of being imperfect that you don't live life. 

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to speak angrily toward other people. It's okay to not be kind and polite all the time. It's okay to get irritated. It's okay to stand up for yourself and for other people. Lots of things are okay which we are often told are not. I believe it is useful to evaluate myself and look for opportunities to improve. I have also found that worrying too much about any given thing, blowing it out of proportion, or becoming depressed by it are not conducive to the goal of self-improvement. Pick your battles in improving yourself.

6. Hierarchy has a place.

I believe in equality. I believe all people should be granted the same rights and protections under the law as all other people. But hierarchy doesn't need to be about inequality or inequity. It has a place in an ordered society. A team lead, supervisor, executive, etc--all can be useful roles in making a corporation run smoothly and efficiently. Parents leading and guiding their children is good. A government with officials who have the ability to make and enforce laws is useful. 

I do not value blind obedience to authority. It is clear that injustices happen, that some people abuse their authority. Leaders can and should be challenged. They should not be above the scrutiny of job evaluations. If a person who has authority over me exercises it in a way that I feel is inappropriate, I believe I have the right to inform them of that. But I do value deference to authority. It can be difficult to know when to simply accept what you're told and when to fight back against it. Again, I believe it is important to pick your battles. Know when to go along with what's expected/demanded and when to speak out against perceived injustices. 

7. Life should be enjoyed.

Perhaps in a perfect world, everyone would be employed in a position that they loved doing. From what I have witnessed of the world, that is not practical. There are jobs that need to be done that very few people actually enjoy doing. So, I do not believe that everyone needs to find a job that they love. But I do believe that, generally speaking, people should find joy in life. Make time to do the things that you enjoy doing. Spending all of your time and energy doing only things that you perceive as chores is not a good way to live. Take time off from work, go on a vacation or spend time doing hobbies or interests that you have. 

I don't think it's reasonable or healthy to expect people to be happy all the time. I actually think that's toxic. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel grief, anxiety, depression, fear, anger, etc. I think it's important to allow yourself to experience to broad range of human emotions. But overall, I think people should be happy to be alive. I think it is important to search for joy, to create happiness. It doesn't have to be anything grand. It can be a trip to see the Eiffel Tower, but it doesn't have to be. It can be a trip to the back yard to plant seeds and watch them grow. Everyone has different interests and it's fine to find joy in different ways than other people do.