There are events in life that cause me to be introspective. Perhaps this is not frequent enough. I do believe that many problems in life can be solved by people looking inward and examining themselves rather than looking outward to find flaws in others. And so it is for my own benefit that I ought introspect frequently.
I often find that my feelings are profoundly influenced by how others esteem me--how they treat me, as well as how they perceive me. I am hurt when I learn a person does not like me, or when a person is unkind to me. I feel a strong feeling compelling me to engage with people in such a way as to elicit high esteem of myself from them. This is true even of people that I only recently met--people with whom I have not established a long relationship or deep bond. In many cases, I have developed a thick skin to prevent my feelings from being hurt due to unkindness from others. Sometimes this is easier than others.
The number of times I have fought with people online is embarrassingly high. I can't say why I do it--at all, or as often as I do. As often as I have fought with people online I have found that it is virtually always completely unproductive. That is to say, the conversation bears no fruit which I could in good conscience call positive. And yet I persist. I engage with people who believe in deities. I engage with people who hold politically conservative values. I engage in matters which are wholly trivial--such as grammar or math problems. Perhaps one day I will resolve to abstain from these pointless fights. Perhaps not. Perhaps the temptation which draws me to them will forever be irresistible. But the negative outcomes that have been borne from these discussions give me pause--a moment to introspect.
When I was in a religion class at BYU, my teacher once said "Tact is the skill of telling a person to go to hell and have them happy about getting there." I fear that I have never learned how to be tactful. It is a skill that I don't feel I have developed--I have not made any sustained conscious effort to hone the skill, nor do I believe I have made any progress over the years in it. On the contrary, I consider myself to be a blunt person. At times I pride myself on being blunt. At times I am ashamed of being blunt. Sometimes I wish I knew how to be tactful. Sometimes I really don't care either way. From a purely objective standpoint, having a skill seems to be preferable to not having a skill--and then it just becomes a question of when to use the skill, rather than being unable to use it at any time.
A couple years ago, I had a friend who told me that he felt I was often unpleasant to interact with because I have a tendency to push my point in an argument until the other person capitulates, whereas many people simply give up prior. Perhaps my tenacity is a good thing, perhaps it is a bad thing. I can say for sure that this quality has caused myself to experience many negative emotions, and I am certain it has also caused other people to experience negative emotions. Due to this, it may be something which I should be aware of and attempt to alter. I have found that on occasions when I walk away from an argument instead of continue in it, my day is perhaps more pleasant than it would have otherwise been. Sometimes the act of walking away from the argument itself elicits a pleasant feeling.
This brings me to the event at hand, the one which triggered this blog post. There was a guy I was friends with on Facebook. This particular person is one that I knew when I was a Mormon missionary in Japan. He was also a missionary working in the same mission I was. I honestly don't remember much else about him. Missionaries aren't allowed to do the usual casual things that people do, such as hang out and thus I didn't know him well while I was a missionary. After we returned from the mission trip, I believe we interacted one or two times at reunions or other activities, but I really don't recall very well. Needless to say, he was a very distant friend--perhaps one might call him an acquaintance (although, personally, I find that just calling everyone a "friend" and avoiding the word "acquaintance" is easier). He and I had very little interaction within the last several years. He would never comment on any of my posts, we never messaged each other. If I ever commented on any of his posts, it was most likely very infrequent. I have many such Facebook friends. I believe it is a side effect of having hundreds of friends.
Yesterday, I had a mutual friend (a Mormon who lives in Japan who knew both me and the missionary friend) who posted a math problem. It was a silly problem. Most of the people commenting were giving the correct answer, which was $100. This particular missionary friend made a comment laughing at anyone who would think it was $100 and asserting that it was undeniably $200. I thought about just scrolling past. Perhaps I should have. But I chose instead to engage. And a lengthy dialogue ensued. All night long. He and one other person persisted in believing that $200 was correct. Everyone else in the discussion agreed with me. The result of this lengthy discussion was that this friend called me a dick. I didn't feel that I had done anything wrong to earn this insult. I figured, since he and I hadn't really interacted much lately and he didn't seem to be very friendly toward me, that I would just unfriend him, which I did.
Today, I saw him comment again on that same thread. Again, I thought about just letting it go. But again I chose to engage. After doing so, we messaged in private. He was very angry with me. He told me that I always showed a need to protect my pride, that I was toxic and abusive. He asserted that I am always mean to everyone.
I can't dismiss his anger as unfounded because I have had similar interactions with other people in the past. When I was growing up, my mother often told me "When you have a problem with one person, the problem may be that one person. When you have a problem with lots of people, the problem may be yourself." Due to the fact that this was not the first time I had experienced such a reaction from someone, I feel the need to seriously examine the accusations.
I know that my feelings are hurt when people don't like me. Despite the fact that I didn't know this man very well, and hadn't interacted with him in over a decade, I didn't want to hear that he didn't like me. It hurt me to hear him say those things about me. I didn't like it. I never like it when people exhibit dislike of me. But if I take into consideration his perspective--that all I am doing is trying to protect my pride--I start to wonder about why I dislike being disliked, and how I react when I perceive that I am disliked.
If I were interested in generally being a likable person, one thing I will be sensitive to is feedback I get from people who tell me why they do not like me (also, feedback from people who tell me why they do like me, so that I may continue to do those things, or do them better). But if I am honest with myself, I find that in many cases--in cases where feelings have escalated to anger and harsh words--the behavior that I engage in is not necessarily changing my behavior so as to be more pleasant but rather using sophistry to make it appear as though I had been acting benevolently all along. I do believe that this is something I regularly do. And it is most likely a toxic pattern of behavior. I am afraid at this realization because I see this behavior in Donald Trump. One of the things that he does which I can't stand about him is that he will never apologize for anything. In his own mind, he is perfect and everyone should love him just the way he his. He believes that he does not make mistakes and if anyone dislikes him it is because there is a problem with them. If there's anything I don't want it is to be like Donald Trump.
I would like to be able to admit when I'm wrong. I would like to be able to apologize when I realize I have made a mistake. I would like to prioritize harmony over self-righteousness. But I find all too often that any of these tasks seems either staggeringly difficult or impossible. Perhaps it is because I feel like to admit that I am in the wrong is to validate the dislike that I perceive the other person feels towards me--that they are justified in disliking me because I really did do something wrong, whereas if I frame it to be in the right then their dislike of me is irrational and unjustified and it is because they lack emotional maturity rather than myself.
Sometimes I feel as though all the emotional maturity I have developed in my personal life simply disappears when I interact with people online--that, in a sense, I revert back to being a child and behave childishly. This may be part of the problem. But I know that even in-person, I find it difficult to apologize and admit that I have erred. I don't know what the appropriate course of action for me is. I do hope that spending some time examining myself in this way will be beneficial to myself and to those I care about. I know that this particular friend is not interested in remaining friends, since he told me explicitly never to contact him again. That hurts, but I can accept it because we really didn't interact much prior to yesterday anyway. But perhaps it can serve as a warning, to prevent this sort of thing from happening with people who I do interact with regularly and would miss having in my life.
I often find that my feelings are profoundly influenced by how others esteem me--how they treat me, as well as how they perceive me. I am hurt when I learn a person does not like me, or when a person is unkind to me. I feel a strong feeling compelling me to engage with people in such a way as to elicit high esteem of myself from them. This is true even of people that I only recently met--people with whom I have not established a long relationship or deep bond. In many cases, I have developed a thick skin to prevent my feelings from being hurt due to unkindness from others. Sometimes this is easier than others.
The number of times I have fought with people online is embarrassingly high. I can't say why I do it--at all, or as often as I do. As often as I have fought with people online I have found that it is virtually always completely unproductive. That is to say, the conversation bears no fruit which I could in good conscience call positive. And yet I persist. I engage with people who believe in deities. I engage with people who hold politically conservative values. I engage in matters which are wholly trivial--such as grammar or math problems. Perhaps one day I will resolve to abstain from these pointless fights. Perhaps not. Perhaps the temptation which draws me to them will forever be irresistible. But the negative outcomes that have been borne from these discussions give me pause--a moment to introspect.
When I was in a religion class at BYU, my teacher once said "Tact is the skill of telling a person to go to hell and have them happy about getting there." I fear that I have never learned how to be tactful. It is a skill that I don't feel I have developed--I have not made any sustained conscious effort to hone the skill, nor do I believe I have made any progress over the years in it. On the contrary, I consider myself to be a blunt person. At times I pride myself on being blunt. At times I am ashamed of being blunt. Sometimes I wish I knew how to be tactful. Sometimes I really don't care either way. From a purely objective standpoint, having a skill seems to be preferable to not having a skill--and then it just becomes a question of when to use the skill, rather than being unable to use it at any time.
A couple years ago, I had a friend who told me that he felt I was often unpleasant to interact with because I have a tendency to push my point in an argument until the other person capitulates, whereas many people simply give up prior. Perhaps my tenacity is a good thing, perhaps it is a bad thing. I can say for sure that this quality has caused myself to experience many negative emotions, and I am certain it has also caused other people to experience negative emotions. Due to this, it may be something which I should be aware of and attempt to alter. I have found that on occasions when I walk away from an argument instead of continue in it, my day is perhaps more pleasant than it would have otherwise been. Sometimes the act of walking away from the argument itself elicits a pleasant feeling.
This brings me to the event at hand, the one which triggered this blog post. There was a guy I was friends with on Facebook. This particular person is one that I knew when I was a Mormon missionary in Japan. He was also a missionary working in the same mission I was. I honestly don't remember much else about him. Missionaries aren't allowed to do the usual casual things that people do, such as hang out and thus I didn't know him well while I was a missionary. After we returned from the mission trip, I believe we interacted one or two times at reunions or other activities, but I really don't recall very well. Needless to say, he was a very distant friend--perhaps one might call him an acquaintance (although, personally, I find that just calling everyone a "friend" and avoiding the word "acquaintance" is easier). He and I had very little interaction within the last several years. He would never comment on any of my posts, we never messaged each other. If I ever commented on any of his posts, it was most likely very infrequent. I have many such Facebook friends. I believe it is a side effect of having hundreds of friends.
Yesterday, I had a mutual friend (a Mormon who lives in Japan who knew both me and the missionary friend) who posted a math problem. It was a silly problem. Most of the people commenting were giving the correct answer, which was $100. This particular missionary friend made a comment laughing at anyone who would think it was $100 and asserting that it was undeniably $200. I thought about just scrolling past. Perhaps I should have. But I chose instead to engage. And a lengthy dialogue ensued. All night long. He and one other person persisted in believing that $200 was correct. Everyone else in the discussion agreed with me. The result of this lengthy discussion was that this friend called me a dick. I didn't feel that I had done anything wrong to earn this insult. I figured, since he and I hadn't really interacted much lately and he didn't seem to be very friendly toward me, that I would just unfriend him, which I did.
Today, I saw him comment again on that same thread. Again, I thought about just letting it go. But again I chose to engage. After doing so, we messaged in private. He was very angry with me. He told me that I always showed a need to protect my pride, that I was toxic and abusive. He asserted that I am always mean to everyone.
I can't dismiss his anger as unfounded because I have had similar interactions with other people in the past. When I was growing up, my mother often told me "When you have a problem with one person, the problem may be that one person. When you have a problem with lots of people, the problem may be yourself." Due to the fact that this was not the first time I had experienced such a reaction from someone, I feel the need to seriously examine the accusations.
I know that my feelings are hurt when people don't like me. Despite the fact that I didn't know this man very well, and hadn't interacted with him in over a decade, I didn't want to hear that he didn't like me. It hurt me to hear him say those things about me. I didn't like it. I never like it when people exhibit dislike of me. But if I take into consideration his perspective--that all I am doing is trying to protect my pride--I start to wonder about why I dislike being disliked, and how I react when I perceive that I am disliked.
If I were interested in generally being a likable person, one thing I will be sensitive to is feedback I get from people who tell me why they do not like me (also, feedback from people who tell me why they do like me, so that I may continue to do those things, or do them better). But if I am honest with myself, I find that in many cases--in cases where feelings have escalated to anger and harsh words--the behavior that I engage in is not necessarily changing my behavior so as to be more pleasant but rather using sophistry to make it appear as though I had been acting benevolently all along. I do believe that this is something I regularly do. And it is most likely a toxic pattern of behavior. I am afraid at this realization because I see this behavior in Donald Trump. One of the things that he does which I can't stand about him is that he will never apologize for anything. In his own mind, he is perfect and everyone should love him just the way he his. He believes that he does not make mistakes and if anyone dislikes him it is because there is a problem with them. If there's anything I don't want it is to be like Donald Trump.
I would like to be able to admit when I'm wrong. I would like to be able to apologize when I realize I have made a mistake. I would like to prioritize harmony over self-righteousness. But I find all too often that any of these tasks seems either staggeringly difficult or impossible. Perhaps it is because I feel like to admit that I am in the wrong is to validate the dislike that I perceive the other person feels towards me--that they are justified in disliking me because I really did do something wrong, whereas if I frame it to be in the right then their dislike of me is irrational and unjustified and it is because they lack emotional maturity rather than myself.
Sometimes I feel as though all the emotional maturity I have developed in my personal life simply disappears when I interact with people online--that, in a sense, I revert back to being a child and behave childishly. This may be part of the problem. But I know that even in-person, I find it difficult to apologize and admit that I have erred. I don't know what the appropriate course of action for me is. I do hope that spending some time examining myself in this way will be beneficial to myself and to those I care about. I know that this particular friend is not interested in remaining friends, since he told me explicitly never to contact him again. That hurts, but I can accept it because we really didn't interact much prior to yesterday anyway. But perhaps it can serve as a warning, to prevent this sort of thing from happening with people who I do interact with regularly and would miss having in my life.
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