Crybabies

After seeing this article pop up in my news feed, I couldn't help myself.  I simply have to write my own satirical Onion News Network-style article in response.

SALT LAKE CITY -- As the war on civil rights is posed to take one more step toward equality for all humans, bigots have resulted to whining.

"It's just not fair" says Elder Lance B. Wickman, member of the Quorum of Seventy of the LDS Church, "We used to be able to dictate how everyone should live their lives, but now it looks like we're going to have to confine ourselves to telling just the members of our own church that they can't marry someone of the same sex."

Boyd Kenneth Pack, President of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles offered his opinion as well, even though no reporter ever questioned him.  Fortunately, he has some close relatives who can translate from the language of Reformed Bigotyptian into modern English.  So, we have his translated message.  "Back in my day, we treated queers right.  We'd throw rocks at them and beat them til they were black and blue, and make real men out of them.  That taught them not to spit in the face of Heavenly Father's plan.  But now?   Now we have to treat these sexual deviants like they're actually people?  We have to buy the same gas as them and drive on the same roads as them?  It's inhuman.  I'm suffocating from the intolerance of others.  I'm a victim of religious persecution.  This just isn't right."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, agreed wholeheartedly with his colleagues.  "What we're seeing here is an erosion of the ability of churches to push their morals onto everyone else.  See, we don't want gay people to marry each other.  Because we don't like it.  And it's icky.  So, we don't think that gay people who don't belong to our church should be able to marry each other either.  Even though they don't believe in our doctrine.  It's just not right that the liberal courts are siding with the satanists.  If gay people are allowed to marry each other in courthouses, then they'll force us to marry them in our sacred temples.  Just like we're currently force to marry atheists in our sacred temples."

Thomas Spencer Monson, President of the LDS Church, was unavailable for comment on the matter.  He was sharing some shortbread cookies with a widow at the time.  An attempt was also made to ask President Uchtdorf, a counselor to Monson, who said only "Airplanes."  We are unsure how to interpret this comment, but assume it has something to do with gay people not deserving the right to marry while aboard commercial jets.

Wait.  This just in.  Apparently, this isn't really a case of religious persecution at all.  It's just that for the first time in history, people are starting to actually criticize religious beliefs.  And if there's one thing religious leaders don't like, it's criticism.  Gay people gaining rights doesn't mean that religious people lose rights.  It just means that they lose the power to restrict the rights of others.  I guess we shouldn't publish this story after all.  Too late now.