Skip to main content

Crybabies

After seeing this article pop up in my news feed, I couldn't help myself.  I simply have to write my own satirical Onion News Network-style article in response.

SALT LAKE CITY -- As the war on civil rights is posed to take one more step toward equality for all humans, bigots have resulted to whining.

"It's just not fair" says Elder Lance B. Wickman, member of the Quorum of Seventy of the LDS Church, "We used to be able to dictate how everyone should live their lives, but now it looks like we're going to have to confine ourselves to telling just the members of our own church that they can't marry someone of the same sex."

Boyd Kenneth Pack, President of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles offered his opinion as well, even though no reporter ever questioned him.  Fortunately, he has some close relatives who can translate from the language of Reformed Bigotyptian into modern English.  So, we have his translated message.  "Back in my day, we treated queers right.  We'd throw rocks at them and beat them til they were black and blue, and make real men out of them.  That taught them not to spit in the face of Heavenly Father's plan.  But now?   Now we have to treat these sexual deviants like they're actually people?  We have to buy the same gas as them and drive on the same roads as them?  It's inhuman.  I'm suffocating from the intolerance of others.  I'm a victim of religious persecution.  This just isn't right."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, agreed wholeheartedly with his colleagues.  "What we're seeing here is an erosion of the ability of churches to push their morals onto everyone else.  See, we don't want gay people to marry each other.  Because we don't like it.  And it's icky.  So, we don't think that gay people who don't belong to our church should be able to marry each other either.  Even though they don't believe in our doctrine.  It's just not right that the liberal courts are siding with the satanists.  If gay people are allowed to marry each other in courthouses, then they'll force us to marry them in our sacred temples.  Just like we're currently force to marry atheists in our sacred temples."

Thomas Spencer Monson, President of the LDS Church, was unavailable for comment on the matter.  He was sharing some shortbread cookies with a widow at the time.  An attempt was also made to ask President Uchtdorf, a counselor to Monson, who said only "Airplanes."  We are unsure how to interpret this comment, but assume it has something to do with gay people not deserving the right to marry while aboard commercial jets.

Wait.  This just in.  Apparently, this isn't really a case of religious persecution at all.  It's just that for the first time in history, people are starting to actually criticize religious beliefs.  And if there's one thing religious leaders don't like, it's criticism.  Gay people gaining rights doesn't mean that religious people lose rights.  It just means that they lose the power to restrict the rights of others.  I guess we shouldn't publish this story after all.  Too late now.

Popular posts from this blog

What's a gainer?

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest reading my previous post before reading this one.  It's sort of an introduction and gives the motivation.  Also, by way of disclosure, this post is not sexually explicit but it does touch on the topic of sexuality and how that relates to the subject at hand.

So, what is a gainer?  I'll relate, as best I can, the experiences I have gone through myself to help answer the question.  I remember when I was a young boy--perhaps around 6 or 7--I would have various fantasies.  Not sexual fantasies, just daydreaming about hypothetical situations that I thought were interesting or entertaining.  I had many different fantasies.  Sometimes I would fantasize about becoming very muscular, sometimes about becoming very fat.  
These fantasies varied in degree of magnitude and the subject of the fantasy.  Sometimes I myself would change weight--I would become muscular or fat.  Other times, I would do something to make other people fat or musc…

The scientific method vs the religious method

I find it interesting when people cite the fact that science keeps changing as a reason to disbelieve it and to believe instead in the "eternal" doctrines taught by some church or other.  Let's examine why science keeps changing.  Here's the scientific method.

Develop a hypothesis (this means "have a belief").Design an experiment to test the hypothesis.Conduct the experiment.Determine whether the hypothesis is believable based on the results of the experiment. This is why science keeps changing--because people notice flaws in it and correct them.  People once thought the solar system was geocentric, but now know that it's heliocentric.  How did this happen?  By using the scientific method.  Scientists are willing to admit that they're wrong.  They're willing to give up a bad idea when they see evidence that it makes no sense.  Contrast this with the religious method (simplified version). Have a belief.Look for evidence to support that belief.Ignor…

Gymtimidation

Like many of my posts, this one has been floating around in my mind for a couple months.  I know many people avoid the gym because it is intimidating, so I'd like to share my thoughts about this phenomenon.  First of all, obviously going to the gym isn't the only intimidating thing in life, and many of these thoughts are things that easily translate to any other of these intimidating things.

So I'd like to share some of my personal experiences with gyms.  The first time I recall ever going into a weight room to use it was my first year of college.  I had PE classes all through K-12, but I don't remember ever using the weight room--just group sports, etc.  I recall being intimidated by all the machines.  Some of them I could figure out on my own, but many of them I just stared at and couldn't possibly conceive how it was meant to be used.  Fortunately, I occasionally went with friends and one friend was very familiar with all the equipment so he could help.  So, kn…