Skip to main content

The impact of your actions

I'm sure this will easily sound like a self-pity party, or complaining, but I really don't mean it to be that way.  My hope in writing this post is to cause those who read it to introspectively search themselves and try to understand why they do the things they do.

I also need to add that my family has not been rotten throughout this process.  What I'm about to say might make it seem like that.  On the contrary, I actually have it quite well.  Many families of gay people disown the person when he/she comes out of the closet.  Many have very bitter, angry feelings that they hold on to for years.  I have been treated very well by nearly all in my family.  As far as I know, there are only one or two who may have very bitter feelings.  I'm not even making a commentary about my family in particular, I'm only using my family as an example to illustrate in general the feelings a gay person has.

When I got engaged to Conrad, I wasn't sure exactly how or when to tell my family.  While I was in Utah this last May, I told only a few people in person, and then I posted it on Facebook.  The people I told in person responded with "Oh." or silence.  On Facebook, of my entire family (which, believe me, is rather big) two cousins congratulated me.  I got a "really?" and nothing else from family.  I had lots of congratulations from friends.  And I'm very happy to be engaged.  I definitely have no regrets there.  But, I hope you can understand how deflating it might be to have not one member of your immediate family congratulate you on something that you personally are so excited about.

Contrast that with just about any engagement announcement of a straight couple.  Or, when a married couple announces their anniversary, and are congratulated for being together for so many years.  It's very easy for a gay person to feel left out.  Imagine if you announce your engagement (to someone of the opposite sex) online or in person and all you got from your family was "Oh" or "really?".  How would you feel?  I love my family very much and how they treat me really matters to me.

I have a very sweet sister who had her children color pictures and send them to us.  Each child addressed them to "Keith and Conrad" and that meant the world to me.  My mother has emailed Conrad and spoken with him on the phone a couple times.  I'm not sure how much that meant to him, but it meant a lot to me.

Aside from that, no one else in my family has even acknowledged that I'm in a relationship.  No one has asked me what Conrad's like, how we met, what our wedding plans are, or anything that I would expect them to be asking if I were engaged to a woman.  Think how that would be for yourself.  When you're engaged to that special someone that you really love and are so excited to marry--(almost) everyone in your family pretends like nothing has happened.  For all you know, they think you're still single.

I know I'll have fun planning the wedding, and it will be a wonderful time for both of us, regardless of who's there to share it with us.  It would be very nice to have family there, to have them celebrate the day with us.  But, whether they're there or not, I will be happy that I'm marrying the man of my dreams.

I've thought about this a lot, really.  As for me personally, Conrad brings me so much happiness that it easily outweighs any sorrow I might feel over my family's non-acceptance (or at least, my perception of such).  But, the conclusion that I always arrive at is that if dogmatic obedience to your church outweighs the feelings of your loved ones--the opportunity to rejoice with them when they are happy in life--then, what is the purpose of your religion?  If you cannot share the joyous moments in life with those that matter the most to you, then what good does your religion do you?  Even if it is true, and you can be with your family forever, is it worth it if it makes you miss out on the good times in their lives?  And is it worth making your gay family members feel unworthy of your praise and congratulatory expressions?

Popular posts from this blog

What's a gainer?

If you haven't already done so, I would suggest reading my previous post before reading this one.  It's sort of an introduction and gives the motivation.  Also, by way of disclosure, this post is not sexually explicit but it does touch on the topic of sexuality and how that relates to the subject at hand.

So, what is a gainer?  I'll relate, as best I can, the experiences I have gone through myself to help answer the question.  I remember when I was a young boy--perhaps around 6 or 7--I would have various fantasies.  Not sexual fantasies, just daydreaming about hypothetical situations that I thought were interesting or entertaining.  I had many different fantasies.  Sometimes I would fantasize about becoming very muscular, sometimes about becoming very fat.  
These fantasies varied in degree of magnitude and the subject of the fantasy.  Sometimes I myself would change weight--I would become muscular or fat.  Other times, I would do something to make other people fat or musc…

The scientific method vs the religious method

I find it interesting when people cite the fact that science keeps changing as a reason to disbelieve it and to believe instead in the "eternal" doctrines taught by some church or other.  Let's examine why science keeps changing.  Here's the scientific method.

Develop a hypothesis (this means "have a belief").Design an experiment to test the hypothesis.Conduct the experiment.Determine whether the hypothesis is believable based on the results of the experiment. This is why science keeps changing--because people notice flaws in it and correct them.  People once thought the solar system was geocentric, but now know that it's heliocentric.  How did this happen?  By using the scientific method.  Scientists are willing to admit that they're wrong.  They're willing to give up a bad idea when they see evidence that it makes no sense.  Contrast this with the religious method (simplified version). Have a belief.Look for evidence to support that belief.Ignor…

Karing about others

Mostly because I have been thinking about her lately, I feel compelled to write about someone who was very dear to me.  Many people who have met me in the last several years may not be aware of the fact that I was married to a woman for 3 years. I understand there can be lots of confusion whenever I mention it, and misunderstandings or misconceptions might occur. So I would like to take this opportunity to discuss my feelings about her.

Shortly after I came out, I attended a party for ex-Mormon gay people. Many of them had been married (to someone of the opposite sex), as I had. Most of those marriages had ended in divorce. Sometimes the divorce was very ugly, other times it was rather pleasant and they remained friends throughout the process. I assume it is because of the ugly divorce scenarios that this statement was made to me. Upon revealing that I had previously been married to a woman and that the marriage had ended in her death, a man said to me that it was good that it had end…