Queries

Google shows you a list of keywords that people searched for and found your blog by.  I get a kick out of reading this list regularly.  Some of the search terms completely baffle me as to how my blog was a hit (for example 'hair "locks of love"'), while others are completely unrelated but at least I can understand how my blog appeared in the list (for example, "Is my wound healing properly" yielded my post about wound healing).  In those cases, I have to chuckle at what they thought when they clicked on my blog and got something completely different than what I assume they were looking for.

But, every once in a while there's one that I find neither funny nor baffling, but causes me concern or empathy for the dear soul who entered the search query.  For example, two that are currently showing on my list are "i didn't know i was gay" and "feel like god wants me to be gay".  In the past I've had some to the effect of "I don't know what to do about being gay" or "How do I stop being gay" or similar things.  So, I just wanted to take a moment to address that sort of thing.

First of all, I just want to express compassion to all people.  I feel compassion for those who are homosexual--those who have been taught that being homosexual is evil, or that acting on those feelings is evil, those who have tried to eliminate homosexual feelings in themselves, those who have been teased or bullied for being homosexual (or being perceived as being homosexual).  I feel compassion for those who have friends or family that are homosexual--those who believe that being gay is bad and feel pain when they see someone they love choose "that path", those who believe that their friend or family member will be consigned to a less-than-desirable destiny in the afterlife due to choices made here regarding their homosexual feelings.  Sometimes I wonder if my heart can contain all of the compassion I feel, and other times I feel as though I haven't made a drop in the bucket of the level of compassion I should be feeling for people.

Anyway, I wanted to mention first of all that God does want some of His children to be gay.  Why does He want that?  Who knows.  But, the point is that He has made some of us gay and that is the way He wanted us.  So, if you are gay then yes, God does want you to be gay and so it's ok to feel like that.

The other concern of "I didn't know I was gay" is actually very common.  It took me a long time to realize that I was gay.  Other people may not figure it out until much later in life, sometimes after years and years of being in a straight marriage.  There are certainly many reasons for that.  One that I can think of is the complexity of human sexuality.  It's not quite as simple as "gay/straight/bi", as if you have to fit precisely into one of those three categories.  And there are many different types of love, so you may feel like you love someone, but it's more of a friendly love instead of a romantic love.  Anyway, another reason why people don't realize that they are gay is that they never allow themselves to conceive of the idea.  With the very strong feelings there are out there about homosexuality being evil, this is quite understandable.  You want to be good, you want God to approve of you, you want to go to Heaven, and you are told that being gay will prevent all of that--if you are gay then God doesn't love you and you'll go to Hell.   So, to avoid God's disapproval and a consignment to Hell, you decide that you aren't gay, or you prevent yourself from believing that you are gay, when you really, truly are gay.  I did this for most of my life, so I can definitely understand if you do/have done it too.  Just remember, it's ok to be gay.  God loves you no matter whom you love--whether it's guys or girls.

One final group of people I have compassion for is gay people who have accepted the fact that they are gay and still wish to refrain from engaging in any homosexual behavior.  They wish to either remain celibate throughout life or to enter a heterosexual relationship.  The motivation for this is clear--a belief that these paths are preferable (more righteous, ordained of God, etc) than the path of seeking a same-sex companion.  I have a great deal of compassion for these people (including the straight spouses of the people who have taken this route).  I know that this can be a very difficult road to take, and I know that there are many people who make this path more difficult.  There are gay people who criticize these people and tell them that they should be true to their heart and marry homosexually.  There are religious people who criticize them for being open about being gay (even though they have never "acted on" their homosexual feelings).  Seeing the strength these people have in their resolve to do what they feel is right has inspired me and caused me much introspection.

I believe that each one of us in this life has been given hard tasks to complete, a hard path to walk in our mortal sojourn.  I feel like it is the obligation of us all to help our fellowman--to make one another's burdens lighter, not to make life more difficult.  If I have a friend in a mixed-orientation marriage, I will not make their life any more difficult by criticizing their decision to continue the marriage.  If I have a family member who has felt a lot of grief related to my statements about homosexuality and my choices in my personal life, I will not make it worse by becoming angry at them for having such poignant feelings.  I will do all I can to ease the pain of others, to yoke myself with them in their journey through the many trials of life.  I want to be the person that, when I am not in the room, people will say "Keith actually cares how I feel." or "I can go to Keith with my problems because he listens."