Many times when people say that phrase, they are playing victim. While I certainly have had my share of playing-the-victim moments, this is not one of them. I do not mean to say that something is/was not fair for me, but for other people.
Encouraging a gay man to marry a straight woman (or even a lesbian woman, for that matter) is not fair to the woman. Again, I need to be careful in discussing this because I do respect people such as Ty Mansfield who, after very much education in the matter and a great deal of soul-searching, have still decided to enter a mixed-orientation marriage (he's gay and his wife is straight). However, he has been more than fair to his wife because she knew full well that he was gay before they decided to marry, and she even had a greater understanding about homosexuality than most straight people ever do. She knew that he had not chosen to be gay, that it was not something that he could change, etc, etc. So, both of them went into the marriage with their eyes wide open. This is certainly fair to both of them, and (at least as far as mixed-orientation marriages go) is the best possible scenario, and certainly the only one I would recommend to someone considering entering a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM).
However, a vast majority of MOMs are not in this ideal setting. To avoid overly cumbersome verbology, I'll be discussing just cases where the husband is gay and the wife is straight, although I admit there probably are situations where the wife is lesbian and the husband is straight (or perhaps both spouses are gay). From what I have seen, in most cases, the wife is unaware of the husband's sexual orientation prior to marriage and quite often remains unaware of it for several years and sometimes even decades of marriage. In some cases, the wife is aware of certain aspects of his homosexuality, but perhaps does not have a full understanding of its true nature. Perhaps she has the misconception that he "has gay tendencies" but is not necessarily gay. I know that my Karen said that to me one time. In many cases, such as mine, the husband is not even fully aware of--or does not adequately understand--his own sexuality. Perhaps (as was the case with me) he also believes many of these misconceptions about homosexuality--that it is just a temptation, not an orientation.
At any rate, I have heard much advice from people (to me directly, and to other gay people that I know) to marry heterosexually despite being homosexual. There is far too much pressure to this end and it is not fair to the innocent straight ladies that are caught up in a MOM unknowingly. I do not mean to set the gay husband up as a victim here. There may be a case for that, but I do not wish to give it at this time. I wish to present the case for the wife, whose romantic love for her husband all too often turns up murdered in cold blood when she finds out about his orientation (not that she ceases to love him--that may or may not happen--just that she finds out that his feelings for her are quite different than her feelings for him). My dear Karen loved me very much, and I loved her too. However, I was incapable of loving her as a good husband should love his wife. Yes, I did all that I could for her. I tried my best to satisfy her sexual needs and I certainly enjoyed the time that we had together, and I believe that at least for the most part she did too. But she deserved a man who would truly desire her in every (righteous) way--not necessarily just for sexual purposes, but also for the passion that should (in my opinion) exist in a healthy relationship.
I don't really mean to imply that our relationship was weak or wanting. In so many ways it wasn't. I have to admit that occasion was not altogether infrequent that I was unable to satisfy her needs, but I did try my best and I did fairly well most of the time. But, there certainly are MOMs out there where the husband has simply lost all desire for sex (or is completely repulsed by the thought), which leaves the wife feeling rejected, unwanted, or undesirable. This is the tragedy that I see that I wish to help other people see. Please do not encourage a gay person to marry heterosexually, unless it is in the manner that Ty Mansfield did--with full disclosure about his sexuality, and a healthy understanding of it on the part of his wife. Please do not idly throw around the words that could lead to breaking the heart of a pure, innocent daughter of God. For a time, I thought that I would find another woman to marry and "see if I could make it work." I have come to the conclusion that any woman I loved enough to marry, I would not marry because I could not bring upon her the inevitable sorrow that I feel being married to her would bring. Even if it took years, I believe that she would eventually come to fully realize what it means to have a sex partner that is not interested in her sexually. Such a thing can be very damaging to a person's self-esteem--especially a woman's. I would not wish that upon anyone.
So, again, I restate that asking an innocent, heterosexual woman to marry a homosexual man is not fair to her. Let us build a society where gay people do not feel pressured into doing such a thing, and where innocent women do not enter such marriages blindly--assuming that her husband-to-be is madly in love with her, when in reality he merely feels a strong friendly love for her. Think of the lovely daughters of God whose lives and dreams you may end up destroying, or at least damaging, before you ask a gay person to marry heterosexually.
Encouraging a gay man to marry a straight woman (or even a lesbian woman, for that matter) is not fair to the woman. Again, I need to be careful in discussing this because I do respect people such as Ty Mansfield who, after very much education in the matter and a great deal of soul-searching, have still decided to enter a mixed-orientation marriage (he's gay and his wife is straight). However, he has been more than fair to his wife because she knew full well that he was gay before they decided to marry, and she even had a greater understanding about homosexuality than most straight people ever do. She knew that he had not chosen to be gay, that it was not something that he could change, etc, etc. So, both of them went into the marriage with their eyes wide open. This is certainly fair to both of them, and (at least as far as mixed-orientation marriages go) is the best possible scenario, and certainly the only one I would recommend to someone considering entering a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM).
However, a vast majority of MOMs are not in this ideal setting. To avoid overly cumbersome verbology, I'll be discussing just cases where the husband is gay and the wife is straight, although I admit there probably are situations where the wife is lesbian and the husband is straight (or perhaps both spouses are gay). From what I have seen, in most cases, the wife is unaware of the husband's sexual orientation prior to marriage and quite often remains unaware of it for several years and sometimes even decades of marriage. In some cases, the wife is aware of certain aspects of his homosexuality, but perhaps does not have a full understanding of its true nature. Perhaps she has the misconception that he "has gay tendencies" but is not necessarily gay. I know that my Karen said that to me one time. In many cases, such as mine, the husband is not even fully aware of--or does not adequately understand--his own sexuality. Perhaps (as was the case with me) he also believes many of these misconceptions about homosexuality--that it is just a temptation, not an orientation.
At any rate, I have heard much advice from people (to me directly, and to other gay people that I know) to marry heterosexually despite being homosexual. There is far too much pressure to this end and it is not fair to the innocent straight ladies that are caught up in a MOM unknowingly. I do not mean to set the gay husband up as a victim here. There may be a case for that, but I do not wish to give it at this time. I wish to present the case for the wife, whose romantic love for her husband all too often turns up murdered in cold blood when she finds out about his orientation (not that she ceases to love him--that may or may not happen--just that she finds out that his feelings for her are quite different than her feelings for him). My dear Karen loved me very much, and I loved her too. However, I was incapable of loving her as a good husband should love his wife. Yes, I did all that I could for her. I tried my best to satisfy her sexual needs and I certainly enjoyed the time that we had together, and I believe that at least for the most part she did too. But she deserved a man who would truly desire her in every (righteous) way--not necessarily just for sexual purposes, but also for the passion that should (in my opinion) exist in a healthy relationship.
I don't really mean to imply that our relationship was weak or wanting. In so many ways it wasn't. I have to admit that occasion was not altogether infrequent that I was unable to satisfy her needs, but I did try my best and I did fairly well most of the time. But, there certainly are MOMs out there where the husband has simply lost all desire for sex (or is completely repulsed by the thought), which leaves the wife feeling rejected, unwanted, or undesirable. This is the tragedy that I see that I wish to help other people see. Please do not encourage a gay person to marry heterosexually, unless it is in the manner that Ty Mansfield did--with full disclosure about his sexuality, and a healthy understanding of it on the part of his wife. Please do not idly throw around the words that could lead to breaking the heart of a pure, innocent daughter of God. For a time, I thought that I would find another woman to marry and "see if I could make it work." I have come to the conclusion that any woman I loved enough to marry, I would not marry because I could not bring upon her the inevitable sorrow that I feel being married to her would bring. Even if it took years, I believe that she would eventually come to fully realize what it means to have a sex partner that is not interested in her sexually. Such a thing can be very damaging to a person's self-esteem--especially a woman's. I would not wish that upon anyone.
So, again, I restate that asking an innocent, heterosexual woman to marry a homosexual man is not fair to her. Let us build a society where gay people do not feel pressured into doing such a thing, and where innocent women do not enter such marriages blindly--assuming that her husband-to-be is madly in love with her, when in reality he merely feels a strong friendly love for her. Think of the lovely daughters of God whose lives and dreams you may end up destroying, or at least damaging, before you ask a gay person to marry heterosexually.
Thanks for writing this from your perspective. If anything, you've been there, done that and I hope that others listen to your advise and life-experience. Sadly I was one of those statistics you write about.
ReplyDeleteHugs,Miguel