There is a blog of another gay Mormon that I follow who is out to his friends and family but still maintains anonymity on his blog for various reasons. At any rate, he posted this story a week ago that I just read and it has moved me to say my piece concerning the matter.
For those who do not wish to read the full story, I summarize it in one paragraph here. This man (Mohomie) was dating another man (Steve) and they were both very happy with each other, until Steve decided that he wanted to leave the relationship and embrace the family and church that claims to love him so much. Mohomie discusses in great detail the pain this has caused him--the longing he has felt to still be with Steve, and the disappointment in knowing that could never happen. He says that even if Steve were to change his mind and come back to him, he would not take him back because Steve is such a different man now than he was before. This is how he feels about Steve: "he surely has had trouble getting over feelings and can only move on by completely disconnecting, then he has chosen defensiveness, detachment, and callousness over vulnerability, openness, and sensitivity, which is the opposite of what I thought I saw and valued so much in him".
So, as I'm reading this, I ask myself, quite sincerely, "Why does this happen so frequently in our society?" This is not the first case I know of where one or both parties in a homosexual relationship have had conflicted feelings inside due to pressures from family, friends, society, and church. In each case, I look on with great sadness that a couple who might have been truly happy together and might have been able to share true love has been rent apart by misunderstanding and falsehood--however well-intentioned they may be.
I do not mean to disrespect anyone's religious beliefs. If you wish to believe that homosexual behavior is sinful, then feel free to believe it. But don't ruin someone else's life by forcing them to believe the same thing you do. I also need to add here that I mean to speak not specifically of a person directly telling another person not to be in a relationship with someone, but much more generally. The general feeling in our society that "gay is wrong" is what I have seen drive couples apart. Each time that sentiment is expressed, in one form or another, it makes it that much harder for a couple that would have been happy together to stay together. I also need to add here that my own family and friends have been very good to me, and while they have expressed their beliefs and some have even told me that they feel like I am making a mistake, they have not pressured me into leaving my boyfriend. I love my family very much and I know they love me too.
Consider, for a moment, how you would react if I were to do or say or teach something that ended up in the eventual divorce of my own parents--or any heterosexual couple for that matter. Would I be viewed as a hero? Would anyone congratulate me? Would I expect either of my parents to tell me how grateful they were that I saved them from such an awful situation? I would expect both of my parents to be livid with me. I would expect that they wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. I would expect that my siblings would be upset with me. I'm sure my aunts and uncles would rush to the support of their siblings and also be upset with me. I can't imagine anyone that would be proud of me for what I had done. I can't imagine any congratulatory remarks or praises being sent my way for causing the separation of a couple that would otherwise have been happy if left to their own devices.
So, now I ask again, why does this happen so frequently in our society? Why is it that when two people who truly love each other and truly wish to be happy in each other's arms, society or religion tells them that they cannot share that happiness--that they must not love each other? Why is it that those who tear such couples apart are set up as heroes, applauded and praised for saving the couple from such a terrible mistake? How can a person who does that truly be happy with himself? How can one look in the mirror at himself, knowing that his words and actions have caused a person who was in love to leave that love behind and make that love turn into poison in his own heart and in the heart of his dear companion?
This is one of the many reasons why I have come to believe that teachings agains homosexuality are wrong and do not contribute to the well-being of any individual, nor of humanity in general. If, while Karen were still alive, anyone were to tell me that I should not be with her or that I was making a great mistake by marrying her or staying with her, I would be deeply hurt that they felt it necessary to say something like that to me. I would defend to my dying breath my relationship with her and my love for her--even though that love may have been more akin to the love of friends than the love of lovers.
If you have ever been in love with anyone, or you are currently in a relationship with someone that you love so very much, ask yourself how you would like it if someone were to say something or encourage you to believe some religious belief that your relationship with that person was a sin and you should end it? How would you feel if you were told that you didn't really love that person because love with such a person was impossible or superficial? Do you really wish to do that to someone else?
In conclusion, I just want to say that I will never let the words of another person dissuade me from following my heart and doing what I truly feel is the right thing to do. I will follow my God in the best way I know how and I will love other people in the best way that I know how. At the present time, the best way I know how to love my dear Conrad is to be his boyfriend. He is so precious and so dear to me. I will not let any belief or teaching convince me that I do not love him, because I know with all of my heart that I do love him. And I am so very grateful to know that he feels the same way about me. We have discussed this matter and he is also resolute in not letting hurtful things said by other people cause him to leave me. And so, my heart goes out to all of the couples in the world who are torn apart by the careless or misguided words of their friends and family. I wish that there did not have to be such sorrow in the world. It would be nice if people could be content with having their own convictions and allowing others to live according to whatever convictions they wish to have, whether they agree or not.
If I am wrong, and God is unhappy with me for loving Conrad, then I will accept His judgment. I accept full and complete responsibility for the consequences of my actions. And I ask you, the reader of my blog, are you willing to accept responsibility for your own actions? If you are wrong about homosexual behavior being a sin and you find out that you have caused much unnecessary sorrow by discouraging couples from being together when they would otherwise have been happy, are you willing to accept responsibility for what you have done? When you teach that God does not approve of gay marriage, do you have in mind the best interest of the people of whom you are speaking? Are you merely repeating teachings that you have heard from other people? And how important is it to you to step in and interfere in the relationship of two other people?
So, as I'm reading this, I ask myself, quite sincerely, "Why does this happen so frequently in our society?" This is not the first case I know of where one or both parties in a homosexual relationship have had conflicted feelings inside due to pressures from family, friends, society, and church. In each case, I look on with great sadness that a couple who might have been truly happy together and might have been able to share true love has been rent apart by misunderstanding and falsehood--however well-intentioned they may be.
I do not mean to disrespect anyone's religious beliefs. If you wish to believe that homosexual behavior is sinful, then feel free to believe it. But don't ruin someone else's life by forcing them to believe the same thing you do. I also need to add here that I mean to speak not specifically of a person directly telling another person not to be in a relationship with someone, but much more generally. The general feeling in our society that "gay is wrong" is what I have seen drive couples apart. Each time that sentiment is expressed, in one form or another, it makes it that much harder for a couple that would have been happy together to stay together. I also need to add here that my own family and friends have been very good to me, and while they have expressed their beliefs and some have even told me that they feel like I am making a mistake, they have not pressured me into leaving my boyfriend. I love my family very much and I know they love me too.
Consider, for a moment, how you would react if I were to do or say or teach something that ended up in the eventual divorce of my own parents--or any heterosexual couple for that matter. Would I be viewed as a hero? Would anyone congratulate me? Would I expect either of my parents to tell me how grateful they were that I saved them from such an awful situation? I would expect both of my parents to be livid with me. I would expect that they wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. I would expect that my siblings would be upset with me. I'm sure my aunts and uncles would rush to the support of their siblings and also be upset with me. I can't imagine anyone that would be proud of me for what I had done. I can't imagine any congratulatory remarks or praises being sent my way for causing the separation of a couple that would otherwise have been happy if left to their own devices.
So, now I ask again, why does this happen so frequently in our society? Why is it that when two people who truly love each other and truly wish to be happy in each other's arms, society or religion tells them that they cannot share that happiness--that they must not love each other? Why is it that those who tear such couples apart are set up as heroes, applauded and praised for saving the couple from such a terrible mistake? How can a person who does that truly be happy with himself? How can one look in the mirror at himself, knowing that his words and actions have caused a person who was in love to leave that love behind and make that love turn into poison in his own heart and in the heart of his dear companion?
This is one of the many reasons why I have come to believe that teachings agains homosexuality are wrong and do not contribute to the well-being of any individual, nor of humanity in general. If, while Karen were still alive, anyone were to tell me that I should not be with her or that I was making a great mistake by marrying her or staying with her, I would be deeply hurt that they felt it necessary to say something like that to me. I would defend to my dying breath my relationship with her and my love for her--even though that love may have been more akin to the love of friends than the love of lovers.
If you have ever been in love with anyone, or you are currently in a relationship with someone that you love so very much, ask yourself how you would like it if someone were to say something or encourage you to believe some religious belief that your relationship with that person was a sin and you should end it? How would you feel if you were told that you didn't really love that person because love with such a person was impossible or superficial? Do you really wish to do that to someone else?
In conclusion, I just want to say that I will never let the words of another person dissuade me from following my heart and doing what I truly feel is the right thing to do. I will follow my God in the best way I know how and I will love other people in the best way that I know how. At the present time, the best way I know how to love my dear Conrad is to be his boyfriend. He is so precious and so dear to me. I will not let any belief or teaching convince me that I do not love him, because I know with all of my heart that I do love him. And I am so very grateful to know that he feels the same way about me. We have discussed this matter and he is also resolute in not letting hurtful things said by other people cause him to leave me. And so, my heart goes out to all of the couples in the world who are torn apart by the careless or misguided words of their friends and family. I wish that there did not have to be such sorrow in the world. It would be nice if people could be content with having their own convictions and allowing others to live according to whatever convictions they wish to have, whether they agree or not.
If I am wrong, and God is unhappy with me for loving Conrad, then I will accept His judgment. I accept full and complete responsibility for the consequences of my actions. And I ask you, the reader of my blog, are you willing to accept responsibility for your own actions? If you are wrong about homosexual behavior being a sin and you find out that you have caused much unnecessary sorrow by discouraging couples from being together when they would otherwise have been happy, are you willing to accept responsibility for what you have done? When you teach that God does not approve of gay marriage, do you have in mind the best interest of the people of whom you are speaking? Are you merely repeating teachings that you have heard from other people? And how important is it to you to step in and interfere in the relationship of two other people?
Well, the problem may actually have been less that Mohomie's boyfriend was pressured and persuaded by family as much as that he himself felt internally conflicted. If Mohomie's boyfriend had had the courage of his convictions in regard to his relationship, I doubt his family and LDS friends would have been able to sway him.
ReplyDeleteThis is tricky stuff, and there are difficult feelings we have to work through. We have to do our moral and spiritual homework before we can arrive at a place of moral or spiritual certainty... It takes time to see the fruit of some of the seeds we plant. In the meantime, we wrestle with (sometimes wallow in!) doubt. I suspect that's what's happening here.
Certainly, John. Thank you again for helping to clarify what I meant to say. Yes, it's a complicated issue and it's complicated to explain. What I mean to say is preisely what you said--that Steve himself felt much doubt and conflict inside. But I also meant to say that I feel a great portion of that doubt and conflict is caused by the widespread view that homosexual behavior is wrong. Were those views not taught in society and in our churches, it is likely Steve would not be feeling the conflict he feels. Thanks again for helping clarify.
ReplyDeleteWell, yes. But the problem is, from inside the process it's impossible to tell what is superstition and prejudice, and what is divine law. His parents are just trying to teach him what is right by their best lights... Just as those of us who have chosen same-sex relationships are trying to do our best.
ReplyDeleteThe test is in actual lives lived, and there's no easy way to get to the end of this process; and not much we can do to help someone else through this process. Except maybe pray for him (because I do believe that God can reach us and enlighten us at the innermost part of our being in a way that others cannot). We can also love unconditionally; that opens up lines of communication as well (but that means giving others the freedom to go in a direction we disagree with...).
No easy answers!
Wow, it's kind of odd to see people discussing my personal story outside of my blog, but I'm not bothered. :-)
ReplyDeleteKeith, I didn't know you were a reader. I appreciate your thoughts and sympathy. To be honest, reading your post and these comments still brings some emotion back. I still love him, even if in a different way now. And I agree with your sentiment around people being glad they've helped "save" someone from sin, but I also don't know what else people are supposed to do if they truly believe someone is forfeiting their exaltation for temporary happiness. It's hard to characterize people, though I agree there are many who give little thought to the possibility that they might, in fact, lack complete understanding and might be acting tyrannically.
At the same time, I wouldn't wish to demean him by implying that his decision was due only to external pressures, though they were heavy in his case. I always saw the conflict in him, though he seemed increasingly convinced we were right to be together and increasingly committed to pursuing it until he suddenly did a 180. He chose, and he is now committed to doing what he believes best, which I suspected he needed to if he were ever to commit with integrity and stability to a relationship with a man.
I don't believe it's about God reaching his heart, J G-W, but I do believe it's about him reaching his own. That's a paradigm I'll agree to disagree with most mohos about, but I believe that either way, it's an essential journey to take, even if I wished it could've included me, and I hope for lasting joy for him, whatever that ends up meaning.
Thank you for the clarification, OM. And, yes, I've been following your blog and several others for a couple months now.
ReplyDelete